i am writing this at 1 in the morning
i cannot sleep, there are exams and other activities pending tomorrow but i need to write this as a way to dissipate these emotions that i feel: anger and sadness and guilt
there is something like this pending about a few hours from now but for some reason, you decided to tell me all of these today (last night)
goodness, it is fucking exhausting.
you asked me: what are we?
and i told you the obvious truth, of course we are friends–
despite having done all that because it does not make sense to re-establish the attachment i have for you,
i am in deep emotional attachment for someone else, i cannot have too much attachment at once
also, i am physically attached to you and with good reason:
firsts happened in nine hours
i am appalled
shocked
dazed and confused
why is this happening
: the thoughts going over my head while IT is happening
still, you told me that i should not be romantically attached
and it is okay, because i am certain that i am not
you told me that all the carnal should stop
but i can still stay in your room
i obliged
because we are friends, why should i not?
but
the thing that has angered me was when you told me that you also did THIS with another person
to be honest, i do not really care that much
you are yourself, you do what you want to do
but
you know how i feel about this
this whole thing
and why it is special
and why do i feel this way
because it is important to me.
because i trusted you.
i kissed you even when i do not know what to do
or what is happening
because i trusted you.
and now you are going to tell me that you were with someone else the day after i left?
and now you are going to tell me that he did the same thing i did a week after?
and now you are going to tell me that i was your constant, i was a friend?
i know that friends do not sleep in another’s bed
i know that friends do not kiss
nor get intimate
but you get what i mean, you know why WE are important
i am not begging you to tell me what is happening to you when it comes to those
but please–
respect the memory
now, every time i recall those nine hours
i see a different man
it is not me
it is not me
it is not fucking me and i fucking hate it
i know we are not together
i know, i have established that since then
but the memory feels cheated
it feels tainted
the sentimental self is breaking into pieces
you know that i despise the act of cheating
but in one way or another,
you did.
i cannot be angry with you for long,
and as i am writing now,
the anger disappears
and the sadness looms
because you are the only person that is going to hug me when i sleep
you are the only person who is going to rub my hair as we cuddle
you are the only person who is going to touch my cheeks lovingly
the only person who bears kissing me multiple times
not letting go when i have to go
the one i felt confident with
i can be friends with anyone else, some, even greater than the one we have
but yours is special not just because of the intimacy
but because i feel free
and now i don’t
because i feel like the months we have been together is disposable
and now i am sad