09 Sept 2017: can someone teach me how to be a constant

23:21

I just got home from a really fun trip with friends, a good stress reliever to end the week. Many things happened (or did not)–well, we just ate and sang in a karaoke bar.

But that’s not really the thing that I have been wanting to write for the longest time, I am writing this at 11pm just because the thought has already bothered me so much that I have to write this as I have been holding this for the longest time.

Have you wished, even just one time, that you have a person that is always beside you?

It’s a struggle that I have for a long time already. i just can’t seem to find one, or even let fate decide to give me one and it is so frustrating that i hate the feeling of non-belongingness so much

tonight triggered this suppressed anxiety once again

the thought that no person would stay with me hurts, i mean i do not need you to be with me 24/7 or something like that but i would like to have someone who i can tell stuff on the fly

someone who wants to talk to me about anything in general, if you know me personally, you know i talk a lot like a lot despite my introversion

and that is why i am anxious most of the time of annoying people that i think that will lead to them hating me and not wanting to talk to me and i can’t live with that and i hate it what the fuck

i do talk to people constantly, i mean as of this present moment i may have a few people that i talk to often

but it always sinks in to me (especially just a few hours ago) that i was never someone’s priority in the first place

i don’t want to know all your inside jokes with anyone else but i would be really glad if you tell me (but you don’t need to, it’s okay i promise)

i don’t care if you will not treat me to dinner or a movie or a venti-sized starbucks frappe, i just want to know that you think of me when you think of something like that

i don’t want you to call me every now and then, but i wouldn’t mind receiving someone’s call at 2am even if it wakes up my roommate

i don’t care if you drunk text me out of the blue, but i am sure as hell will reply to you regardless if i’m drinking too or not

i just want to be someone’s priority, i don’t care if we’re romantically involved or just have a platonic relationship i do not really give a fuck because what i want is a person, a constant person in my life

you may have other people of course i am not that kind of person i try to be non-toxic most of the time i despise that shit, but if you wouldn’t mind knowing people, of course i also wouldn’t mind

now i am thinking that my idea of people being my bestfriends is slowly turning into a pile of bullshit

i love people

but isn’t bestfriendship supposed to be constant

a high-maintenance relationship is not what i am searching for, i just want someone who will be there for me

someone who cares

and now this idea goes to my mind again

that if i die

get run over by a car or get shot at the head by a riding-in-tandem

would they cry

because i have been living a life for the longest time that no one would care for me constantly

well if they do, then they aren’t vocal as fuck

i know that some people are not vocal

but if they care about me, they would try

fuck i am so demanding i am sorry

i am sorry for demanding too much

no one would care for me if i’m like this

fuck

i’ll die alone then

what a fun life

i just need hugs

can someone please hug me

or kiss me on my forehead i wouldn’t mind

i just need comfort

that someone will be there for me soon

it may look like i am not contented with the people i have now

sad truth

i am not contented

because no one is constant

i don’t have someone to talk to if i need someone to talk to

or i may have

but i am afraid that i would annoy them, trying to wake them up at 3 am while they are sleeping and then they’ll tell me why the fuck i am texting them at 3 am they are sleeping they need to rest their tired bodies

will someone love me wholly

how would i know if i’m like this

no one would love a fucked-up person demanding for attention and care

lol who am i kidding why am i writing like this

again

i’m dying alone who cares

good night

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