sitting in the bus
waiting for this to go because I know that I will be in trouble for staying the night for too long
I thought we put an end on it,
thus I became oversentimental of everything
immediately tomorrow that night
was the day I will see you for the first time,
trying not to assume anything, lowering expectations
(but let us not kid here, I wanted it, I just know it is a blur)
and here we are, in the same room
tenSION in the air
we say goodbyes
realized that putting all those build-up from seven months
that less than five minutes spending with you is a fucking joke
so I tried to reach out,
and we did
trying to find the fastest way to get to you
circled around the whole lot
it is ten p.m.
I need to go back soon, shouldn’t I?
but I am stubborn,
I want to see you.
I NEED to see you.
and after more than half an hour,
decided I will take the short way to you
and so I did.
INT. EVENING. Your Room
we say hi and hellos
still, we anchor from seven months, we ought to have something
and we did!
how do we spend the time in less than an hour?
watch films, listen to music, eat cheesedogs
I told you from the start that I am here for cuddles and I laugh,
I keep trying,
and you accepted it
my arms around you;
fingers easily intertwining despite my damp palms;
your head made my body its pillow;
our cheeks touching together,
I was comfortable with it,
you were too
it is fine
it is time to sleep
I already accepted the fact that I will not be going home anytime soon,
so we slept—
or at least we tried
i told you about random stories of bands and Youtube videos
I cannot sleep,
you cannot too
you are giving me hints that I was not entirely oblivious about but decided not to because what if i am assuming wrong?
spent more or less than half an hour looking at each other’s eyes, our faces touching
our lips already touched each others’ cheeks and forehead
one thing was missing,
you have been hinting,
I keep thinking,
“Is this even the right time?”
and you went for it
it was sloppy but not manufacturing
I needed to breathe,
and dove once again
I cannot believe I am doing this,
I was being rational a few seconds ago and now I’m kissing someone’s face
“I was sloppy.”
she said it’s okay,
but i am ashamed
with pauses on breathing
and tried to sleep
I am on your bed
I am wearing your clothes
we spent the night in deep caresses
and now we are awake
you fought with yourself over sleeping and not sleeping after making us breakfast
you woke up
i planted kisses once again
i did what i wanted to do, what i told you earlier
you became inquisitive
i said yes
articles of clothing flying everywhere
pillows and cellphones are being pushed to the floor
the bedsheet needs fixing again
butterfly kisses all over
no need for diving kits,
snorkled my way in
(if ever you are going to do it,
traversed wherever I can go
asked you multiple times
exchange of pleasure
(lowkey impressed with myself)
I scoured through the depths once again
I am a disappointment this time
slowly freaking out
encouraged her, to no avail
still, I tried to do
I tried to be good
I tried nonetheless.
I am exerting much effort again,
she’s disappointed, I know
over the rainshower
she does not want me to go
I need to go,
I overstayed my welcome
I disappointed her,
(hopefully though I did not even though I know I did)
still it was nice.
we gone down
when will I see her again once more?
Would the wonders of ones and zeroes be back?
Or is the risky, material world better?
Now thinking whether it was the right thing to do. I sometimes hate being rational (though I am very emotional) because I think too much.
I was doing it with her, I was thinking about her while the whole thing is happening.
Yet, when she had slept—my arms around her and hers around me—there was someone else.
What could have beens.
Considering how I believed on such a complicated standard on defining firsts,
I did, that was it,
And I liked it.
I like it.
But do we hurt people because of what we like?
Or is it hypocritical even?