09 Sept 2017: can someone teach me how to be a constant


I just got home from a really fun trip with friends, a good stress reliever to end the week. Many things happened (or did not)–well, we just ate and sang in a karaoke bar.

But that’s not really the thing that I have been wanting to write for the longest time, I am writing this at 11pm just because the thought has already bothered me so much that I have to write this as I have been holding this for the longest time.

Have you wished, even just one time, that you have a person that is always beside you?

It’s a struggle that I have for a long time already. i just can’t seem to find one, or even let fate decide to give me one and it is so frustrating that i hate the feeling of non-belongingness so much

tonight triggered this suppressed anxiety once again

the thought that no person would stay with me hurts, i mean i do not need you to be with me 24/7 or something like that but i would like to have someone who i can tell stuff on the fly

someone who wants to talk to me about anything in general, if you know me personally, you know i talk a lot like a lot despite my introversion

and that is why i am anxious most of the time of annoying people that i think that will lead to them hating me and not wanting to talk to me and i can’t live with that and i hate it what the fuck

i do talk to people constantly, i mean as of this present moment i may have a few people that i talk to often

but it always sinks in to me (especially just a few hours ago) that i was never someone’s priority in the first place

i don’t want to know all your inside jokes with anyone else but i would be really glad if you tell me (but you don’t need to, it’s okay i promise)

i don’t care if you will not treat me to dinner or a movie or a venti-sized starbucks frappe, i just want to know that you think of me when you think of something like that

i don’t want you to call me every now and then, but i wouldn’t mind receiving someone’s call at 2am even if it wakes up my roommate

i don’t care if you drunk text me out of the blue, but i am sure as hell will reply to you regardless if i’m drinking too or not

i just want to be someone’s priority, i don’t care if we’re romantically involved or just have a platonic relationship i do not really give a fuck because what i want is a person, a constant person in my life

you may have other people of course i am not that kind of person i try to be non-toxic most of the time i despise that shit, but if you wouldn’t mind knowing people, of course i also wouldn’t mind

now i am thinking that my idea of people being my bestfriends is slowly turning into a pile of bullshit

i love people

but isn’t bestfriendship supposed to be constant

a high-maintenance relationship is not what i am searching for, i just want someone who will be there for me

someone who cares

and now this idea goes to my mind again

that if i die

get run over by a car or get shot at the head by a riding-in-tandem

would they cry

because i have been living a life for the longest time that no one would care for me constantly

well if they do, then they aren’t vocal as fuck

i know that some people are not vocal

but if they care about me, they would try

fuck i am so demanding i am sorry

i am sorry for demanding too much

no one would care for me if i’m like this


i’ll die alone then

what a fun life

i just need hugs

can someone please hug me

or kiss me on my forehead i wouldn’t mind

i just need comfort

that someone will be there for me soon

it may look like i am not contented with the people i have now

sad truth

i am not contented

because no one is constant

i don’t have someone to talk to if i need someone to talk to

or i may have

but i am afraid that i would annoy them, trying to wake them up at 3 am while they are sleeping and then they’ll tell me why the fuck i am texting them at 3 am they are sleeping they need to rest their tired bodies

will someone love me wholly

how would i know if i’m like this

no one would love a fucked-up person demanding for attention and care

lol who am i kidding why am i writing like this


i’m dying alone who cares

good night


Waking up from a good night sleep.

I was not really a huge fan of sleep. As someone who mostly spends his days looking at a screen or talking to people (which is exhausting at most), I may have seen sleeping as a filler on our lives. A phase of inactivity, resting our tired bodies.

I never knew that sleep could be this good.

I never knew that sleep could be this good until I have slept with a few people. Just sleep, no traces of sex and maybe (a few) traces of alcohol.

Most of the people I’ve slept with are girls (if not all). First, I thought, “Damn, this can be pretty awkward”, but thinking about how my relationship with these people led me into not giving any unnecessary attention to it at all.

Sleeping with another person is a weird feeling at first–or maybe it is just me–knowing that I am in constant deprivation of physicality (just physicality, not being naughty or what).

Human heat is a fucking blessing. The familiar warmth of another person (regardless of who’s the person) makes you want to stay there forever. It really makes you want to cuddle the person you’re with (if s/he would let you), maybe a hug from behind.

My moments with different people with just sleeping made me realize that sleeping with someone is intimate at most. There are times that I slept with that I’ll just wake up looking at their fluttering eyes with a slight hint of smile on their faces. Sometimes it makes me wonder, “What are they dreaming of?”.

I remember one of the times when the person I like and I slept on the same bed. It was not romantic at most, it was just peaceful. Seeing the one you love sleeping in tranquility, beside you, your faces inches away from each other, damn, now that is a good feeling.

(I may or may not have written that last paragraph in the most romantic way I possibly can.)

Also, waking up with someone beside you is also one of the best feelings ever! As I said earlier, human heat is a blessing; knowing that another person just slept beside you, warm and breathing, makes everything worthwhile (regardless of how warm or cold it is).

Not just that(!), but also if you are the first person that they see when they open their eyes? (Okay, I’m being too romantic, but you see my point? It’s good.)

In conclusion, sleeping with someone is one of the best things ever, it can also give you a good night sleep. Sadly, if you do not have someone to sleep with, there will come a time that you will crave for a familiar warm spot in your bed and that is going to be sad as you try to remember the times that there is someone beside you.

Goodness, how I want to sleep with someone right now. It is so damn cold here.


2017 Entry #2: Of Tired Journeys

11/02/17 23:12

Last night, I found it hard to sleep. At first, I thought maybe my pillow was not warm enough to suit with the cold wind brushing my skin or my blanket was not big enough to cover my body; but I realized as I try to close my eyes that it was because I was thinking about you (well, both of you) over and over again.

“Are they doing okay?”, I thought.

So I turned my pillow over and over again, trying not to make not that much movement so as to not awaken my sleeping roommate, still the thought of you still disturbed my mind. I know that you are okay, you always are, and that is what I like about you in the first place (along with a lot of other reasons, of course you know that).

Then I saw you earlier. Basically I was excited to see you happy, for me to be greeted with your toothy grin; well, Fate has took another course, I guess. On that moment, I know that you are happy, I always have that feeling.

If you are happy, then I am happy too. I hope you know that.

But, one cannot just look away from the tiredness of your eyes, your pale lips (they have always been pale, I put too much effort to look at you once in a while), and your restless expressions. I know, you are tired…

…and I wish I could take your exhaustion away. I always hope that I can.

If I could just hug you and give you enough energy, I would.

I am writing this, because I know that you are currently on your way home, the first time in a month. I wish you a safe trip (maybe by the time I post this, you are just cuddling your pillow in your bed, dreaming about something that I will not know).

If you are not tired from everything else, I hope that we can talk soon. Valentine’s Day is just a few days away, the semester’s end is a long way to go, and I think that we cannot both function to our 100% with the thought of us being too toxic for each other bothering us.

Let us talk, okay? Whenever, wherever, (probably) my treat.

2017 Entry #1: Just emptied my mind, and of course I thought of you (and why did I, of all things)

I am not a fan of New Year’s Resolution, at all, but since technical writing has been slowly destroying my ability to write creatively, I decided to write at least a entry a week this year. Of course, I failed. Still, I wish I could say my thoughts more.


There are times that only loneliness is what I feel. It is not really because I am alone as of the moment, but rather, it is just the “lack” of a certain kind of communication. Or maybe someone’s touch. Or someone’s eyes. The longing is really inevitable, inescapable in fact. Being alone does not really equate to loneliness, yet deserted rooms and blank walls can trigger such thoughts. Maybe this is why I am writing this plea right now, should I even call this a plea? Or just a message that I would not really tell you.

I miss you. I miss your being. We are so good at being civil and all that, even beyond that. We have always have this undying spark, not romantically (I know how much you hate the thought of that, I know, I kind of dislike the thought now too), but to always work together in a glimpse, a blink of an eye, a jiffy (which is 1/100 of a second) is still a marvelous feeling to hold on to.

Are we perfect? No. A big big no. We are not in any way.

(I hate the fact that I am speaking as if I am telling you a love letter.)

I wish.

You know that I like you, right? Like “like” like. I know that you know that, I may have told you so many times that you despise the word coming out of my mouth, making me shut up by preemptively shunning what I say, that I like you, I like you, I like you.

A very alien feeling it must be. Liking someone for a long span of time. The last time I have liked someone was years ago, and now it is you. I am trying to let go, believe me I do. Goodness, is this the start of the words I try to say yet did not because all I end up doing when we talk is look at your eyes and try to look at the answers to life and universe other than 42? (*laughs*) [That is a freaking nerd joke.]

Super stereotypical. My first post for the year is about you. Surprise, surprise.

I hope to talk to you soon, my housemate just entered the room.

[I wish I could take away your exhaustion, take away your gloom.]

(Waiting for the time, let us hope that we bloom.)

To be honest…

Dahil gusto ko gawing written format ang rawest thoughts that I could write.

Nauso na naman sa Twitter yung TBH game na yan. You know, as a way to close this goodness-forsaken fucking year that is 2016. People want honesty. (Or compliments, you know, this year is just fucked up.)

Well, I played the game. Why the hell not?

Repeatedly, I’ve retweeted my TBH game tweet a couple of times. Aba, umaasa lang naman ako na makikita ni squish yun diba? Yes, squish, also known as “platonic crush”. (Okay, TIL, squish is a term for the asexual community.) [Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=squish]

Well, what about with this squish?

Duh, ang ganda niya, promise. I swear to freaking goodness. (Gagawa nga pala ako ng word about that. Hmmmmm.) It’s to the point that I am even close to cursing my friends if they rate her as less than 8. Like, you just can’t!!! (Am I romanticizing too much?)

Bakit ba tungkol sa kanya ‘to? Ugh, I didn’t even plan for it to be that way. Ka-stress.

So, sino ba siya? Of course, I would not mention her name. Baka agawan niyo ako. Hehehehe.

Ganito nalang, for the sake of this post, I’m just going to tell you about how I knew her.

Enter M. (Let’s just call her M, for this post)

M is Squish’s roommate. Akala ko noong una ay kapatid ni M si Squish. Naalala ko pa kasi noong nililike ni Squish yung mga tweets ko na mentioned si M. Wala naman akong pakialam sa kanya noon (well, I did check her account once or twice), since akala ko nga magkapatid sila.

And then one day, while a friend and I were trying to find a new dorm para sa kanya, nagpasama kami kay M (kasi tinatamad pa siya umuwi). So nag-ikot kami all around campus and outside campus as well…

Sabi ko kay M na pumunta kami sa kanila, since well, she’s living in an apartment (that is pretty nice). She obliged, and there we were.

We entered, and there she was. Sitting sa bottom bunk ng isang double-deck na kama, plain clothes. I have a few macchabreé (attraction at first sight) moments in my life, and I think this was one of them pero wala naman akong pakialam. Nag-hi lang naman siya sa amin. I even joked to M na “Uy, ang ganda naman ng unit niyo, ako na yung pangalawang roommate mo ha?”

We haven’t seen each other since (like, months.)

Nakita ko lang ulit siya sa Twitter. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero biglang noong nakita ko siya, there’s rainbows, ganern. I followed her, she followed me back days later.

I enjoyed my vacation na ganun lang. Well, I haven’t seen her for months, I don’t even remember what her actual face looks like.


Bigla kong nakita si Squish, a few weeks in the semester (when we, M, a friend, and I had already fixed our routine for the day). Gago, na-shookt ako. Like… HELP ME JUSME I KENNAT I’LL DIE OMG MY HEART

Doon nagsimula lahat. Sa laki ng campus, magkikita ba kami lagi? Well, we didn’t. To the point na binibilang ko yung instances na magkikita kami somewhere, I’ve lost count na the past few months, pero last count ko ata was 11?

Isa sa fave instances ko happened on a Saturday. It was noon, tirik ang araw, at pauwi na ako from a group meeting. Nakita ko ang ATEGURL nyong naglalakad papunta sa apartment nila, may dala pang readings! (Sipag naman….) Tapos yun, NAGSMILE SIYA SA AKIN TAPOS I DIED INSIDE SO PARANG DINAANAN KO LANG SIYA GANUN

Little did I know na kilala niya pala ako.. Kilala niya ako. Guys???!?!?!?!?!

Maraming beses na rin kami nagkita. It was still the same feeling.

“Sweaty palms, jelly legs, and a palpitating heart.”

Sinulat ko yan after one of our meetings, just outside a building where I have a class. As in nanlambot yung tuhod ko, feeling ko napilayan ako. To be honest, I kind of disliked it kapag nagkikita kami kasi laging by chance? Sa mga pagkikita namin ako naniwala sa serendipity. Kung hindi ba serendipity yun, ano bang tawag mo doon?

I knew from a friend na may isa siyang laging kinatatakutan. Lagi daw nagkakagusto sa kanya yung mga guy friends niya, to the point that she cannot keep a guy friend that would last with her. (To be honest, girl, ang ganda mo kasi eh. Not that I’m blaming you, pero… a guy would just probably be head over heels with you.)

Siguro yun yung gusto kong mangyari. I mean, I don’t romantically like the girl in the first place (Taken na isipan ko, sorry. Jk.). Ayoko siya syota-in, masyado kaming di talo. Sinabi din ni M na magka-personality sila, so she thinks that we would be good friends if given the chance.

Back to the TBH tweet, she liked the tweet, last night.

Hindi ko alam sasabihin ko, I even asked a friend kung anong sasabihin ko e. I failed her (my friend), sabi niya, masyado daw awkward yung “pag-amin” ko when I tweeted.

I added the tweet, even made it a thread, para lang masabi lahat. Feeling ko kulang pa, kaya here’s the rawest version of that TBH that could have been.

Hello po, to be honest, I can’t help but think that you are too beautiful for this world. When you walk, it’s like it is raining rainbows and unicorns and goodness behold. It might seem that I’m too shallow to think that, pasensya na at mata ang nakakakita. Oo, I am attracted to you on a superficial level (I think anyone would do.), pero that doesn’t mean that you are just a pretty face. As far as I know, you’re also intelligent (come on, we’re at the same university! Hehe.) and kind and all that. Marami nang nagsabi sa akin ng stories about you. I’m sorry kung ganoon, siguro I’m just curious about you so I asked a few friends.

I wish that we could be friends. Honestly. I’m not saying na I’ll be the greatest guy friend there ever is, pero iniisip ko kasi na for keeps ka as a friend, so why not try diba? I also hope that I see you soon. Pinapasaya mo araw ko, promise. 🙂


NOTE: Ang landi ko dito, kainis.